I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Randomize