the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Hippo gnu deer
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
