I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
