Who did Billy Mays play for?
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
