Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
