update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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