So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
