Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize