I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
