Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
