:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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