what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
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