Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
