i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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