Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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