Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I can text with my tongue
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
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