I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
