I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
