she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
