i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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