I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
