his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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