Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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