sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Randomize
