I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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