Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
