I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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