dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
