he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
