btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
where are you?
Hypothermia
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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