It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
