yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
