i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
not ubering you a puppy
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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