im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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