also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
