I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Randomize
