Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
from now on my penis is your penis
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize