i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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