if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
