I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
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