Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
