I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize