Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Randomize
