To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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