I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
