Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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