ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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