My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Randomize
