dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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