Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
