he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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