when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
