I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
